Technically this is my “photography” blog. But my real life influences my photos, and they influence me, and the lines tend to get blurred for me. Sometimes I blog about something which isn’t specifically about photos, but I’m ok with that, and if you’re reading this, you probably are too.
I’ve talked at some length about my health problems and the doctors I see for them. For the most part, I’ve felt like my doctors’ attitudes were like this photo I took recently:
It was inspired by a Wintersleep song I love, Dead Letters And The Infinite Yes. Part of the lyrics read “We’re alone in this wilderness, left to choke on the pills and to feed on the viruses.” It was such an emotive, expressive line and I wanted to capture it’s mood in a photo.
But more than that, this is the attitude most of my doctors seem to have with me. Because honestly, they don’t really have much of an idea how to treat me. I’m an embarrassment to them, so they try and just shove me at the door as quickly as possible. They don’t want to listen to me, they don’t want to hear about what’s wrong, they’ll throw pills at my symptoms and hope I go away. This is a terrible way to feel like your own health care advocates feel about you. I tend to be pretty Eeyoreish and gloomy anyway, but when the doctors act like there’s no hope, it’s very hard to generate any yourself.
However… I moved a few months ago, and all my old doctors fell out of my network. I did weeks of research into picking a new primary care doctor, but I finally did, I liked her, and she started the process of sending me to all the new specialists I have to make contact with. I saw my new pain specialist yesterday, and I was very nervous about meeting her. If she wasn’t a good advocate for me, she could really fuck my life up. And you know what?
I loved her.
I adored her.
She is young and pretty, but she sat down and the room and just LISTENED to me for a long time. She asked me questions and let me ask her questions. She did not appear flustered and overwhelmed by my list of pain complaints. And moreover, she had suggestions for all of them.
Some of the treatments may or may not be approved by my insurance, and some of them will take a while to see results from. But she actually fucking cared and took steps to help me. And yes, that is what all doctors should do, but they very often don’t want to take the time, from my experience.
She has actually made me feel hopeful about myself. Far more hopeful than I have felt in a long time, and I’m incredibly grateful for that.