Wow, it feels like FOREVER since I finished my last piece! This year has not been conducive to creating art. I’ve done my best despite the circumstances which kept popping up (moving, medications, long ME flares, devoting a ton of time to the gallery show, stress from my recent battle among other things) but it’s felt like a very dry year creatively. All I can do is my best though, and even when the ME really cramps my style, I still manage to get pieces finished… just much more slowly than I would like.
It was in this depressed feeling of “I haven’t created anything in the longest time imaginable” that today’s image was born. When my regular creative outlets are blocked to me (by, say, solid weeks of migraines as I adjust to each new medication dosage), I become despondent and depressed. Life slowly loses its flavor and color and if I’m not careful, I’ll sink into a pit of despair just like Artax in The Neverending Story. Luckily, I have Geoff and my friends and family around to cheer me on and make sure I never sink too low, but much of it is outside of anyone’s control.
As I mentally pictured how I felt, this was it. A big, ugly cloud of despair, depression, worthlessness, swirling around my head. But this time, unlike my last self portrait which explored a similar theme, I wanted to show a bit of hope at the same time. The cloud is surrounded, penetrated and pierced by beautiful, golden rays of light. They stream in through the darkness, weaving through its thick blackness. The darkness cannot survive in the light. It will be broken up and dissipate. And while I know this will probably not be my last battle with depression, I also know that each round will eventually be over… and once again, the light will have won. That is the hope I cling to when the clouds cover me.
I’d like to mention my friend and very talented photographer Robert Cornelius’s Dust to Dust series as it provided some inspiration in my planning out of the darkness cloud. Thanks, Robert! 🙂 He’s an incredible photographer and all-around cool dude, so check out his work if you’re not familiar with it!
This image belongs to my Eternal Storms series on depression, anxiety and other mental health issues. These topics are still seen as quite taboo to discuss, something I hope to help with by portraying what living with them is like openly and honestly. Silence and shame never helped a single illness get cured. We need to be able to speak openly about our experiences, without judgement or fear, if we’re ever going to healed from them.
Do you have depression? Try being a little more honest next time a trusted friend asks how you are. You don’t have to go into excruciating detail, but try to avoid the temptation to simply answer “fine,” unless you actually are. And if you have friends or family who you suspect or know suffer from any kind of mental ailment? Invite them to tell you about it, ask some questions, assuring them that talking to you is safe and you will not judge them or call them crazy. It is crucialthat you answer whatever they tell you with love. It is incredibly hard for people to open up and talk to others about these problems, so take their trust very seriously and treat it with the gentlest and greatest respect.
As we approach Thanksgiving, let’s be thankful for the help and support we have. For the people dedicated to helping us win our fight. For the people who will listen to us with only love and understanding in their hearts. The people who give us hope. The inner strength we are able to find when we think we’ve exhausted it all. Those extra beams of light when we need them the most. We need more people like this in the world. Let’s try and all be them to each other. The simple fact that there are people in the world who try to reach this goal is something I am very thankful for!
Let me start by saying that I’m sorry I can’t give you more actual details about what’s going on, but I’ve been advised to continue to keep them under wraps. Those of you who follow me on social media have already heard that I’m going through a difficult time right now. What I can tell you is that I am about to do something on the 14th which is absolutely terrifying to me and has incredible, life-altering implications. For me, Geoff and the fur-kids. And while I have lots of people (like all you dear, lovely folks reading this) who are loving and supporting me, it’s all going to come down to the words I speak and actions I take on the 14th. I will be alone at the critical moment; the pressure feels crushing.
I feel like Louis Zamperini in the POW camp holding his wooden beam. I feel like Aerin facing the giant dragon Mar. I feel like the unicorn standing up to the Red Bull. I feel like one of Leonidas’ 300. Frodo off to Mordor. Rosie and Pernicia. Lissar and her father. You get the idea.
One small, anxious girl going up against something far, far bigger than she is; ill-equipped for the job. The higher the pressure, the more my brain feels scattered and forgets important details. And it’s crucial that I remember everything, no notes allowed. The outcome of this will have a huge impact on my financial state, which is currently pitiful. I need this win.
To say this has been stressful would be a huge understatement. This sincerely feels like one of the single hardest, most frightening thing I have ever had to do. But there’s no getting around it, I HAVE to do it. And I will do my best.
The stress is causing giant waves of discord through my body, mind and soul; causing mayhem and destruction. For weeks now, every night, I either have stress dreams or I dream that I’m dying… the dying ones are the worst because, in my dream, it’s wonderful, beautiful, the most peaceful, joyful thing I’ve ever experienced. And then I wake up and remember real life and it feels like a glorious gift has been snatched from my hands while the weight of life crushes down upon me again.
Despite numerous antacids of all kinds, I’m having persistent heartburn, often in the middle of the night. My pain levels are all elevated. And as you can imagine, my sleep is suffering in quantity and quality.
I’m not writing about this to simply throw myself a pity party. I am asking for your support. If you pray, please pray for a quick and overwhelmingly successful outcome. If you do Reiki, please send as much as you can. If you light candles, please light one for me. Please send all the love, good thoughts and energy that you can spare, whatever your system of faith may or may not be. I will gladly take it all!
I am determined to win this battle. And while it traditionally takes a while to hear about the exact outcome from the fight, I am equally determined to get an overwhelmingly positive answer, right then and there. I am visualizing myself being victorious. As much as I am afraid, I am doing my best to catch myself when I start to go into a spiral of worry over what will happen if I fail. When I notice those thoughts, I actively change my vision of the future to one that I want. I don’t need to open myself up to attracting any negative energy!
One thing about all the metaphors I listed a few paragraphs ago; despite the odds, they all succeeded. Thinking about others who have overcome incredible trials is deeply comforting to me. If they could do it, I can do it too.
I can say one thing: this is not about a new turn in my health or anything else along those lines. My health is fairly crappy right now, as is usual, but I have not taken a turn for the worse… other than the spiked pain, non-stop migraines, constant tension in my whole body, wildly increased anxiety, panic attacks and depression as well as extreme exhaustion brought about by all of this. It’s stressful to the point where I don’t even want to edit or create many days, which is an almost unheard-of low for me. But these are clearly responses to the weeks and weeks of stress and worry. I don’t want you guys to worry that I’m hiding some terrible new diagnosis from you.
I know I will get through this. And I know that with Geoff, I will deal with the outcome, whatever it is. But more than that, I know I will win. I have to. Knowing that doesn’t take all my fear and anxiety away, but it does give me hope to cling to.
I feel incredibly fragile in every way, but I will battle and I will be victorious. Still, your prayers, well wishes and love would mean a great deal to me right now. I can use all the help I can get.
I promise that I will try and let you guys know exactly what’s happening just as soon as I can. I appreciate that you’re all being very understanding about that and respecting the fact that I simply can’t divulge much right now.
This self portrait felt especially appropriate for this post. It serves as a reminder and inspiration to me to keep fighting, to get up when I’m knocked down, and most of all, never give up. Thank you all so very, very much for all your support! I cannot thank you enough.
With that said, please wish me a miraculous victory as I go into this battle. Now, let me go find my suit of armor.
I have some health updates for you guys which I will tell you about soon (nothing too exciting, don’t worry) but I’ve been too busy doing the updated things that I’ve hardly had any time to write or edit or do anything creative. I’m switching medications and weaning up to a therapeutic dose of the new one right now; I’m not quite midway through the transactions. I feel pretty horrible; intense migraines all day and night, nausea, exhaustion (beyond normal levels even), pain flairs and insomnia. But I don’t feel like I should be complaining about any of that after hearing what Ashley Lebedev, aka Bottle Bell Photography, has been going through.
I knew that Ashley had some health problems, but that was about all I knew. We both live inside the fine-art-conceptual-magical-ethereal-fantasy-fae-creating-characters-building-our-own-props-and-costumes-and-sometimes-self-portrait-taking-photographers-world, which as you can imagine, doesn’t have a HUGE number of members. We’ve known each other online for several years and I’ve come to know Ashley as being endlessly creative, genuinely positive, extremely talented and an all-around lovely person.
It turns out that Ashley is far, far sicker than I realized. Her doctors don’t even know exactly what the problem is, only that she is dangerously sick and will die without intervention. But intervention is hard to get if you don’t know what you’re fighting. Ashley recently launched a GoFundMe to help finance her journey toward health, which will likely include some very expensive stays at medical facilities, special tests and treatments, all not covered by insurance.
This is going to be VERY expensive. And Ashley needs our help. I am asking you all to please help her, even if it’s a very small donation. I know money is tight for most of us these days, I get that. I wish I could have donated a much larger amount of money to her campaign. But the thing is, even if we all only gave $5, it would make a difference.
Ashley needs us. And the world needs Ashley. It would be a much darker, sadder place without her bright, beautiful soul. So please, donate to her cause if you can. And whether you can or can’t help with money, you can also help just by spreading the word about her fight!
I know that she will also welcome any prayers, Reiki, good energy, lit candles, etc, sent her way. I know that she can get through this, but she will need our help. Let’s overwhelm her with our love and support! Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!!
I shot this self portrait a week or two ago after enduring months of worse-than-usual depression. Some was due to outside influences, bad news, being sick and other things that any normal, healthy person would feel depressed about. But a lot of it was that irrational, heavy, demanding, life-draining depression that is clinical depression. This is not feeling sad about things that you should feel sad about. This is round-the-clock, punishing joylessness, sucking the beauty out of everything, leaving all around you colorless and meaningless. This is clinical depression.
I’ve battled this beast since it first started manifesting in my early teens. It took me some time before I learned that what I was feeling was an actual condition, a potentially solvable problem, not just a bad mood that hung around for years. I’ve also tried more remedied to it that I can recount; anti-depressants, therapy, energy work, supplements, yoga, getting more exercise (before I had ME; over-doing exercise now could do me great harm), self-help books, seminars, journaling, art therapy… on and on and on.
And it still clings.
I decided to start a series specifically addressing mental illness; clinical depression and anxiety in particular, since those are the two I fight with most. I manage them, sometimes it’s better, sometimes it’s worse. Sometimes I want to just die. I don’t know if it will ever go away completely, thus the series title Eternal Storms.
I identify with Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, with his constant dark cloud covering just him. I’m sure that was subconsciously part of the inspiration for this piece. When I’m going through a bout of depression, this is what it feels like to me. A dark storm raging round my head, that only I see and feel. It makes the idea of asking for help feel pointless; even if I break up this cloud, another will come. And the social stigma of admitting you need help at all, let alone help with your mental health, makes it all the worse. If I’m having a week where I have to talk myself into continuing to live each day, I can’t talk about it except for a few select, very trusted friends who have also been there, as well as my therapist.
I shot this self portrait as a way to work through the cloud I was under, yes, but more importantly, to directly address depression and its stigma. Admitting you have or struggle with depression doesn’t make you weak or unworthy. It doesn’t make you a bad person. It doesn’t mean you’re not trying hard enough, eating right or getting enough exercise. It just IS. And society needs to learn to stop judging those who do manage to ask for help.
The alternative is that we suffer in silence with our tormentor. And that can kill.
Joel Robison happened to put up an insightful blog about his own battle with depression recently, which was a happy coincidence. I’m very glad for people like him who will stand with me and admit that yes, we have depression. It may not make sense to you, you may not understand it, it might *gasp* make you uncomfortable, but that doesn’t mean it will go away.We are no less human that you. We did not ask for this fight. This is not an attention-seeking behavior. This is real, this illness is out for blood. This is just our fight. This matters. And it can be won.One storm at a time.
This series is dedicated to all the others who fight this battle with me every day. You are all so strong and so brave. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.
I’m so happy so many of you have joined in my print giveaway! There is still time for you to enter, which is free and easy to do! Scroll down below for details, but most of the ways you enter are simply by sharing/retweeting messages onto various social media outlets – all of which are now embedded in this post! Just head down to the very end and you’ll see all the different ways you can participate without even leaving this page!
If you missed my last post, let me summarize it for you. Today, May 12th is Invisible Illness Day; a day we dedicate to raising awareness about illnesses and diseases which can be deadly and have devastating consequences, yet show little to no outward sign. Every single person with any of these illnesses, such as fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, rheumatoid arthritis, Lyme disease, lupus, multiple sclerosis and Crohn’s Disease, (and, of course, myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, which I have*) has been told at least once, “But you don’t look sick.” As if that invalidates our decades of suffering. Oh, I’m sorry I didn’t meet your criteria of what a “chronically ill” person looks like; you’re right, I’m 100% fine! In fact, I’m going to go complete a decathlon, now that I know I’m healthy.
Ok, so clearly simply not appearing outwardly sick doesn’t mean we aren’t ill. In fact, most people who saw me on the street would probably assume I was a perfectly healthy girl; although one who doesn’t put a lot of effort into her appearance. The reality is that I am partially house-bound, I can only drive short distances on very good days, almost all “out of the house” errands have to be done on weekends when Geoff can drive and help me, I’m in constant pain and exhausted every single second of my life. My energy reserves are very low and I have nothing extra to spare on “getting pretty” before I go out. As long as I’m wearing actual clothes (you have no idea how many times I’ve almost left my house without key clothing items), that’s enough for me. Shove on a hat so I don’t have to address my naturally curly hair and I’m good!
While I never overly cared about what I looked like in public, I do find myself missing wearing pretty things. I put far, far more thought and effort into picking out my pajama outfits that my regular clothes outfits. I’ve accrued quite a collection of PJs at this point, so I can at least feel like those are cute and colorful.
While worrying about one’s physical appearance would seem pretty far down on the priority list of someone with a neurological disease with no cure, and it is for me most of the time, it’s a little more than that. It’s just one more tiny slice of normal life that chronic illness takes away from you; one more reason for you to resent it. I don’t actually want to wear the dresses getting dusty in my closet, I want the option to choose to wear them. That make seem like a small difference, but from this side, it feels big.
While I don’t feel like I can spare the energy for looking beautiful most of the time, beauty is still deeply important to me, and it’s important that I leave the world with more beauty in it than I found it. It’s like when you go camping with your dad; the camp site is going to be cleaner when you leave than when you got there (or at least, that’s how it was with me dad ;)). I’ve come to realize that beauty is a big part of why I’m so drawn to art and to create; it’s a very tangible way of leaving the world a little more beautiful. And in this case, it’s taking the hideous ugliness of disease and transmuting it into something lovely.
With that in mind, I want to introduce my latest image to you; the one I will be giving away a 10″ x 15″ print of on May 29th!
I spoke to you a bit in my last post about why this image is so special… and I’m going that a little bit again 🙂 For one thing, this is a DreamWorld and Enchanted Sleep crossover piece; the first image of mine which belongs equally to both worlds. It spoke to me on both levels, and when I was torn about which series to include it in, I finally decided I didn’t HAVE to choose and it could live in both. Because, while in some ways, DreamWorld is a bit of escapism and fantasy for me, it is not all sunshine and rainbows. Not many of its dark characters have been photographed yet, but they will be introduced over time. Even with their benevolent protectors, their King and Queen, the creatures in DreamWorld still have problems.
At the same time, it helps me to look at ME through the lens of myth and fantasy. Viewing it as a dragon to be slain, a mountain to climb, a thorn in my side to bear; they all help me live with the reality of ME a little more easily.
I have long felt a connection between the stories of Sleeping Beauty and my experience with ME. A poison, an enchanted sleep (giving birth to my photo series’ title), hope of an awakening under the right conditions… there is a great deal of overlap. With that said, let me show you the new image!
Now, this file ended up being a composite of… I don’t even know how many images. A LOT. To give you an idea of the huge scale of the piece, here it is with a normal, full-sized image from another shoot with Katie on top of it.
So, just roughly eyeballing it, I’d say this is, what, 5-6 times the size of an average image? And while my camera doesn’t produce the HUGEST files imaginable, this is still pretty darn big. It was such an enormous file, I had to wait until I’d upgraded my laptop before I could actually work on it. Any time I tried to edit it on my old laptop, it would crash my whole computer after about 10 minutes of work. With my new laptop, it only crashes every few days, and usually only crashes Photoshop, instead of my entire system. Much better 🙂 All said, this took almost two years from start to finish. I’d pick it up, do a little work, get overwhelmed and put it back down. Then I decided it had to be done in time for the giveaway, so that gave me the motivation to finish it up.
Katie really endured a lot for this shot, poor thing. The area I shot it in was a naturally ivy-covered area of my old yard… and unfortunately also FULL of spiders and spider webs.
I’d made a homemade spider repellent (nothing which would harm them, just something with tea tree oil to make the area less appealing to a few days) and sprayed it liberally around the shooting area in the days leading up to the shoot.
But despite it, it was a pretty intimidating place to ask any sane girl to lay down in, relax, close her eyes and pretend to be asleep. I promised Katie that I would watch for any spiders actually crawling on her and scoot them off. I promised no harm would come to her, and, bless her, she trusted me.
Now despite it being just covered in cobwebs and spiders, I ended up having to add all the cobwebs in Photoshop. I downloaded a special Photoshop bundle of brushes shaped like cobwebs, which got me started. It took a ton of manipulation of each little bunch to make it look like it way laying naturally over the different areas, adding light and shading to blend it in to the environment.
After I got Katie situated, I climbed up on a ladder and started shooting. But I quickly realized that the ladder wasn’t tall enough to get the framing I wanted, which led to shooting about a million individual frames which I pieced together in Photoshop, which is why it’s such a huge file. There were some challenges in making everything align since I wasn’t using a tripod, but it helped that Katie had trusted me so completely and was lying perfectly still.
I had also shot a purple smoke bomb pouring out of the bottle (separately from Katie, I didn’t think that would be good for her to breath) but then that ended up not really looking right either, leading to another element I had to create in Photoshop.
I always try to do as much work in camera as possible, but sometimes the real world just doesn’t accommodate you!
Katie’s bravery and willingness to do whatever it took to get “the shot” made me create this virtual plaque for her:
Thank you, Katie 🙂 This image would not exist without you. It’s one of my very favorite images and I’m SO happy we went through all the difficulties of making it, even though I wanted to tear my hair out at times!
Another thing about this image that’s special is that it will be the first to be printed on my new, museum-quality paper of choice: Hahnemuhle pearl paper. You really have to see it to believe it. It is a thick, luscious paper with a bit of texture to it, similar to watercolor paper. What pushed me over the edge into switching to this paper though, is the very subtle, pearlescent shimmer built into the paper. It is magic. And it compliments the ethereal nature of my work so well, it seemed we were made for each other.
And did I mention that this special new print is a $400 value?
Would you like to win this very special print for yourself? Instructions are below! If you already saw my first post, skip on to the info about how to enter, if not, please consider taking a moment to read it and see why I’m so passionate about promoting May 12th and my giveaway!
I would like to say that I spent a great deal of reflection on coming up with the idea of my bed being my kingdom, but it was more of a response to thinking, “Shit, I have this video… now I need a name for it…” But I think it holds true despite it’s spur-of-the-moment conception.
When you spend the vast majority of your time inside your house, it becomes your entire world. If, on a good day, I take Calantha for a walk around the block, I feel like a Viking setting off to explore new lands (but not planning on Blood Eagle-ing anyone). If my house is my world, my bedroom is my home, and my bed becomes my kingdom.
Though it is a queen-sized kingdom, it is a kingdom nonetheless. This is where I am most myself, most honest, most raw, most pure. I spend most of my time here, in my PJs, hair a mess and no makeup (because who’s going to see it, I don’t feel like putting it on, and I especially don’t feel like washing it off). This room is most set up for my comfort and is bent to my will. Why is there such a huge pile of stuff always on my nightstand, or next to my side of the bed? Because then I can reach it easily, no matter what state I’m in. Geoff’s side is spick and span, while mine is a crazy jungle, but that’s how it has to be. In this whole world of things which cause us pain and discomfort, we need there to be someplace that is designed for us. That is, usually, our beds. And in my bed, I rule.
Some people are surprised to learn I have a chronic illness, especially one which confines me to my house and bed so much, since I seem to produce a lot of art. It’s all the result of verycareful planning of everything. I keep my shoots very short and I plan several concepts I can shoot one right after the other while I have my model. My shoot is usually the only major thing I have planned for the week. Actually, it’s usually the only major thing I have planned that month. If we’re driving to a location, my model will usually drive us since I’m often feeling too tired. I try to bang out as many concepts as I possibly can, then I crash. Usually the next two or three days will be awful, and I will pay dearly for my shoot. But after that starts to wear off, I can sort through my images and work on editing them… which is only possible because I can do that with my laptop while lying in bed. If I had to sit at a desk, I could not be a photographer.
Using my laptop and my Wacom tablet, I can create art again. There was a while as I was getting sick where I was truly terrified that art would be taken away from me. In one sense, that did happen, since I had to put away the pencils and paintbrushes which became too painful to wield, but art abhors a vacuum as much as nature does, and photography quickly sprang up in its place, with help from my photographer husband.
Photography has given me a voice. But it’s more than that. It’s given a voice to all of us who suffer from these invisible illnesses. When I started shooting the images which would become a part of my Enchanted Sleep series, portraying what life with ME is like, I never dreamed that other people with illnesses would flock to it like they have. I unintentionally tapped into an underserved community, and those within it have made their approval loudly known. I didn’t set out to capture anything but my own experiences, but in doing so, I captured all of ours.
ME alone effects millions across the globe. There are millions and millions more who bear other invisible illnesses, and you might have no idea that they carry these with them everywhere they go. Most likely, you know someone with one of these illnesses, though it might be undiagnosed. Most of the invisible illnesses tend to be diagnoses of exclusion; meaning there’s no one test for this disease, so you have to rule out EVERYTHING else that it could be before you decide what it is. It’s a long, grueling process, and not everyone really wants to know what’s wrong with them anyway. For me, I couldn’t stand not knowing.
Your aunt who often complains of pain? Your friend who frequently has to cancel plans? Your sibling who gets migraines which always come at the worst times? They may have one of these diseases.
The online chronic illness community (spoonies, we call ourselves) is extremely supportive, but we need to have healthy people on our side too. We need real changes to be made in the world, and frankly, we are too ill to do it all on our own.
These are not diseases which merely dampen our fun or mildly cramp our style, these are diseases which kill. Sometimes that death is a suicide, as the patients cannot stand the suffering any longer. Even if left to more “natural” courses, these illnesses are evil thieves and rob us of years. They take away our livelihood, our joys, our passions and, eventually, our lives.
Here’s how this giveaway works. It’s going to be very easy and there are quite a lot of ways for you to enter!
First thing: subscribe to my blog if you haven’t already. There’s a button in the upper right-hand section of the screen for you to enter your email address (which you may do safely, without fear of spamming or other annoyances). Do that, then move on to step two:
You have your choice here! You can either:
Retweet the facts I’ve tweeted about ME (these are embedded at the bottom of this post to make things super easy – you can like or retweet it without even leaving this page!)
(The Facebook and Instagram posts and tweets are all embedded at the bottom of this post to make things super easy – you can like, retweet or share it without even leaving this page!)
Like and re-blog this post if you’re a WordPress user
You can do all of those, too! One note, if you choose to retweet any of my tweets, each new retweet will count as an entry. I’ve given you quite a lot to choose from, mainly because I couldn’t narrow it down myself any more! 😉 So, for example, if you retweet all 11 tweets, that will count as 11 entries for you. However, if you retweet the same tweet more than once, that does NOT count at as extra entry. The maximum possible Twitter-related entries you can get is 11. The same idea goes for the other social networking sites too. If you share my Facebook post, that’s an entry. If you share the same post twice (which I’m not sure you can do, but let’s say for argument’s sake that you can), then you still only get one entry.
And lastly, whichever social media platform you decide to use to enter the contest from, you must like/follow me there (and here on the blog) for the entry to count!
Now, those are all very important ways for you to enter the contest to win a gorgeous print for yourself. A large part of why the entries are based in social media is to help raise more awareness about ME (and other invisible illnesses) by word of mouth. However, there is another way you can get more entries for yourself.
Any purchases on ANY of the items I sell from today, May 4th, through midnight, PST, May 27th will count as entries! This means that EACH INDIVIDUAL ITEM that you buy counts as its own entry. If you buy five t-shirts from my Red Bubble shop, that’s five extra entries for you!
And on top of the purchases going toward extra entries for you, 25 PERCENT of ALL PROFITS on ALL ITEMS purchased will be donated to theMicrobe Discovery Project! The Microbe Discovery project is a wonderful organization here in the US actively looking for a cause and cure for ME. I strongly believe in what they do, which is why I have chosen them to benefit from my sales.
It’s a very win-win situation! You get to buy whatever it is that you’ve had your eye on, you get extra entries into the print giveaway and ME research is supported at the same time!
On May 29th, I will randomly pick one winner from all the entries and that person will receive the print! It will be signed and numbered and shipped to wherever you live, even if it’s the other side of the world! 🙂
One last note about purchases, if you make a purchase, please leave a comment here on the blog and tell me what you purchased and where it was from. Some of the sites I sell through hide the buyer’s info from me, so I won’t always be able to tell who bought what. I want to make sure your purchases are properly accounted for!
Prices are the same regardless of where you buy, so there’s no need to worry about having “hiked-up gallery prices” 🙂 My Etsy shop also has a few pieces of “wearable art,” some of which is inspired by DreamWorld characters and some of which was inspired by The Last Unicorn! There’s also a whole section of ME-inspired images from my Enchanted Sleep series!
Through my Red Bubble shop I sell all of the following items with my images on them:
Aly took and sent me this lovely shot of her carrying her tote bag! It was a bit strange at first to see my friend carrying a bag with my face in it 😉 We we both quite thrilled with the quality and according to Aly, it’s been getting tons of compliments and the straps are the perfect length!
INTROSPECTIVE is much more about self-discovery than it is about knowing what f-stops are or having fancy equipment. You don’t even have to have an actual camera; your phone will do perfectly well! The course emphasizes self portraits as a way to get to know yourself better, but the definition of “self portrait” here is quite loose. You never have to appear in an image unless you really want to. What I mean by “self portrait” in this case is simply any photograph which shows me something about who you are as a person!
This is a very relaxed, reflective class. There are no grades and no wrong answers! For eight weeks, you will receive a new theme each week and your assignment will be to create an image around that theme which reflects you. Love, joy and fears, for example, are all things you would be asked to create around.
This class is very unique! I modeled it after my own journey of self-discovery as I started taking self portraits. The art therapy was so helpful and healing to me that I wanted to give that back to the world in some way, so I createdINTROSPECTIVE!
And as an extra bonus, here’s a special coupon code for INTROSPECTIVE! Use the code May12ME25 to take 25 percent off the cost of the course! Now that’s a win-win-win!!
I know you guys hear me talk about ME quite a lot, but here’s the thing. It matters. It really, really fucking matters.
There is so much confusion, misunderstanding and so many flat-out lies about ME that we all need to work extra hard to shine the light of truth on it. It’s not all the public’s fault; after all, they’ve been lied to by medical professionals for decades. It all came unraveling in the 80’s when ME’s name was intentionally changed to “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” and given the belittling nicknames of “the yuppie flu,” “the disease of depressed, menopausal women” and, more recently, “fat, lazy housewife disease,” just so insurance companies could deny patients coverage.
ME does not discriminate. It does not target people by color ,gender, social status or age. It attacks anyone and everyone it can. It destroys lives. It brings promising careers to grinding halts. It is not a way to “get a free ride;” we struggle just to sit up and get out of bed.
It could be your sister. It could be your boyfriend or girlfriend.
It could you.
How many more lives have to be sacrificed on the alter of insurance companies’ desires to not pay out before we get change? How many more patients have to take their own lives in despair? How many more seriously ill patients have to endure the most hateful slurs you can imagine being thrown at them? How many doctors will sigh, roll their eyes and tell us there’s nothing wrong with us psychically, that our problems are all in our heads?
No more.
We cannot let this happen to one more person. Too many have endured this already.
We have the power to make radical changes. We have the power to change society’s view of us, to force the government to give us proper funding, to stop treating us like Cinderella instead of their own daughters. We have the power to unlock the mystery of ME and find a cure. We CAN do this. But we must come together, make our voices heard and DEMAND it. It will never be easily handed to us. Too many huge companies are invested in not spending any money on those with ME. But while history shows us many ugly truths, it also shows us that we, the common people, have great power in our hands to bring about the changes we want.
We just have to ask for it loudly enough.
Please join me in demanding change for patients with ME. Things cannot continue the way they are any longer.
And as you help me advocate for invaluable change in the world, you’ll also be giving yourself a chance to win a gorgeous, fine art print 🙂 Help me with this. And thank you.
[*Because the United States does not officially recognize the name “myalgic encephalomyelitis,” despite decades of public outcry for change and hundreds of thousands signing petitions, they continue to stick to “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” or “fibromyalgia.” Depending on which doctor of mine you talk to, I may have three different diagnoses. The US is especially complicated in how it defines – or, rather, it’s lack of definition – the differences between the three so it’s impossible to talk about one in the US without talking about all of them. For the record, they are NOT all the same disease, but that is essentially how the US treats them. I know that what I have is ME and not the other two, but many of my doctors had not have heard of ME until I told them about it. ME has scientific, diagnosable guidelines, which I fit, but the country still refuses to adopt the name and its excellent guidelines. If you’re interested in learning more about why this is, here’s an article for you, but for this post, I will leave the subject there.]
May 12th is recognized across the globe as Invisible Illness Day. Though most people are unaware of its significance… which is part of the problem.
It’s a day for bringing more awareness to diseases like fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, rheumatoid arthritis, Lyme disease, lupus, multiple sclerosis and Crohn’s Disease, along with many others. Diseases which can have horrific, devastating effects on the person’s life, yet may not outwardly show. They can be completely disabling, and the patient still looks “normal” to the world.
And of course, this list includes myalgic encephalomyelitis, or ME, which I have.*
What ME is –
I’ve spokenquite a lotabout MEon my blog, so a lot of you probably know the basics of it. But for anyone new, here’s a quick summary. ME is a neurological disease defined, in part, by:
Profound fatigue which is unrefreshed by rest and sleep.
Chronic pain, which can occur anywhere in the body, but is especially common in muscles and joints.
Insomnia and other sleep disturbances, despite your constant exhaustion.
Post-exertional malaise (meaning you feel worse after you exert yourself — and the exertion can be as simple as a trip to the grocery store or walking to your mailbox).
Neurological problems, a.k.a. “brain fog.” This can manifest in the form of sudden clumsiness, tripping and falling, being unable to recall a word you knew just a second ago, suddenly forgetting how to read or write, forgetting your name… you get the idea.
Headaches of new or worsening kinds (I never had migraines until ME started sinking its talons into me).
Dysfunctional immune systems (if there’s a cold going around, I will get it).
Hyper-sensitivity to any and all stimuli — I describe it as the volume in my brain being turned up to “11.” Noises are very loud to me, lights are bright, smells overwhelming… the scent sensitivity means that anything artificially fragranced makes me nauseated, but it has led to me find small, unnoticed gas leaks inside houses on several occasions.
Post-Exertional Neuroimmune Exhaustion (your brain functions worse in every way after even minimal efforts — mental or emotional efforts as well, not strictly physical ones).
Low threshold of physical and mental fatigue (lack of stamina) resulting in a substantial reduction in pre-illness activity level — things you did before you were sick are now out of the question.
And so on. Because ME affects every system of the body, in a way somewhat similar to multiple sclerosis, the symptoms can vary from person to person, but these are the classic signposts of the disease.
I have what would be defined as a “moderate” case of ME. A mild case would be someone who could still maintain a somewhat normal life, but would probably need extra recovery time after big events, help lifting heavy objects, etc. Moderate, like what I have, is someone who can’t work a normal job, is partly or completely house-bound, may not be able to drive and has a great deal of their life impacted by the disease. Their world becomes much, much smaller and quieter. Severe cases… you wouldn’t wish them on your worst enemy. These are people who are completely bed-bound, unable to care for themselves in the most basic ways, unable to tolerate any light, sound or touch. They lay in dark rooms in silence, often on morphine drips for their severe pain… and this can last for decades. It’s been described as “a living death,” and for good reason. It’s truly horrifying. This is often the time when patients try to take their own lives.
I would like to say that I spent a great deal of reflection on coming up with the idea of my bed being my kingdom, but it was more of a response to thinking, “Shit, I have this video… now I need a name for it…” But I think it holds true despite it’s spur-of-the-moment conception.
When you spend the vast majority of your time inside your house, it becomes your entire world. If, on a good day, I take Calantha for a walk around the block, I feel like a Viking setting off to explore new lands (but not planning on Blood Eagle-ing anyone). If my house is my world, my bedroom is my home, and my bed becomes my kingdom.
Though it is a queen-sized kingdom, it is a kingdom nonetheless. This is where I am most myself, most honest, most raw, most pure. I spend most of my time here, in my PJs, hair a mess and no makeup (because who’s going to see it, I don’t feel like putting it on, and I especially don’t feel like washing it off). This room is most set up for my comfort and is bent to my will. Why is there such a huge pile of stuff always on my nightstand, or next to my side of the bed? Because then I can reach it easily, no matter what state I’m in. Geoff’s side is spick and span, while mine is a crazy jungle, but that’s how it has to be. In this whole world of things which cause us pain and discomfort, we need there to be someplace that is designed for us. That is, usually, our beds. And in my bed, I rule.
Some people are surprised to learn I have a chronic illness, especially one which confines me to my house and bed so much, since I seem to produce a lot of art. It’s all the result of verycareful planning of everything. I keep my shoots very short and I plan several concepts I can shoot one right after the other while I have my model. My shoot is usually the only major thing I have planned for the week. Actually, it’s usually the only major thing I have planned that month. If we’re driving to a location, my model will usually drive us since I’m often feeling too tired. I try to bang out as many concepts as I possibly can, then I crash. Usually the next two or three days will be awful, and I will pay dearly for my shoot. But after that starts to wear off, I can sort through my images and work on editing them… which is only possible because I can do that with my laptop while lying in bed. If I had to sit at a desk, I could not be a photographer.
Using my laptop and my Wacom tablet, I can create art again. There was a while as I was getting sick where I was truly terrified that art would be taken away from me. In one sense, that did happen, since I had to put away the pencils and paintbrushes which became too painful to wield, but art abhors a vacuum as much as nature does, and photography quickly sprang up in its place, with help from my photographer husband.
Photography has given me a voice. But it’s more than that. It’s given a voice to all of us who suffer from these invisible illnesses. When I started shooting the images which would become a part of my Enchanted Sleep series, portraying what life with ME is like, I never dreamed that other people with illnesses would flock to it like they have. I unintentionally tapped into an underserved community, and those within it have made their approval loudly known. I didn’t set out to capture anything but my own experiences, but in doing so, I captured all of ours.
ME alone effects millions across the globe. There are millions and millions more who bear other invisible illnesses, and you might have no idea that they carry these with them everywhere they go. Most likely, you know someone with one of these illnesses, though it might be undiagnosed. Most of the invisible illnesses tend to be diagnoses of exclusion; meaning there’s no one test for this disease, so you have to rule out EVERYTHING else that it could be before you decide what it is. It’s a long, grueling process, and not everyone really wants to know what’s wrong with them anyway. For me, I couldn’t stand not knowing.
Your aunt who often complains of pain? Your friend who frequently has to cancel plans? Your sibling who gets migraines which always come at the worst times? They may have one of these diseases.
The online chronic illness community (spoonies, we call ourselves) is extremely supportive, but we need to have healthy people on our side too. We need real changes to be made in the world, and frankly, we are too ill to do it all on our own.
These are not diseases which merely dampen our fun or mildly cramp our style, these are diseases which kill. Sometimes that death is a suicide, as the patients cannot stand the suffering any longer. Even if left to more “natural” courses, these illnesses are evil thieves and rob us of years. They take away our livelihood, our joys, our passions and, eventually, our lives.
A DreamWorld/Enchanted Sleep crossover print giveaway!
I try to always do something around May 12 to help bring awareness to ME and its sister diseases. This year, I’m going to be giving away a print of a brand-new image… one which won’t be revealed until May 12th itself. It’s going to be a really, really great image though, I can promise you 🙂
This one will feature model Katie Johnson, and it’s so complicated, I’ve been working on it on and off for about two years. I had to put it aside for a long time until I upgraded my laptop. The file size was SO huge, I could only work on it for about ten minutes before it would crash my entire computer. Obviously, that didn’t work for me. It’s still a monster of a file, but on the new machine it only crashes Photoshop every few days, which is much better..
This image will be very unique in that it straddles both DreamWorld and Enchanted Sleep, a foot in each world like the Pillar of Hercules. No other image of mine does this. It will be a first on several fronts!
Another thing about this image that’s special is that it will be the first to be printed on my new, museum-quality paper of choice: Hahnemuhle pearl paper. You really have to see it to believe it. It is a thick, luscious paper with a bit of texture to it, similar to watercolor paper. What pushed me over the edge into switching to this paper though, is the very subtle, pearlescent shimmer built into the paper. It is magic. And it compliments the ethereal nature of my work so well, it seemed we were made for each other.
Did I mention that this special new print is a $400 value?
Is your interest peaked? Want to win the print for yourself? Instructions are right below. 🙂
Here’s how this giveaway works. It’s going to be very easy and there are quite a lot of ways for you to enter!
First thing: subscribe to my blog if you haven’t already. There’s a button in the upper right-hand section of the screen for you to enter your email address (which you may do safely, without fear of spamming or other annoyances). Do that, then move on to step two:
You have your choice here! You can either:
Retweet the facts I’ve tweeted about ME (these are embedded at the bottom of this post to make things super easy – you can like or retweet it without even leaving this page!)
Like and re-blog this post if you’re a WordPress user
You can do all of those, too! One note, if you choose to retweet any of my tweets, each new retweet will count as an entry. I’ve given you quite a lot to choose from, mainly because I couldn’t narrow it down myself any more! 😉 So, for example, if you retweet all 11 tweets, that will count as 11 entries for you. However, if you retweet the same tweet more than once, that does NOT count at as extra entry. The maximum possible Twitter-related entries you can get is 11. The same idea goes for the other social networking sites too. If you share my Facebook post, that’s an entry. If you share the same post twice (which I’m not sure you can do, but let’s say for argument’s sake that you can), then you still only get one entry.
And lastly, whichever social media platform you decide to use to enter the contest from, you must like/follow me there (and here on the blog) for the entry to count!
Now, those are all very important ways for you to enter the contest to win a gorgeous print for yourself. A large part of why the entries are based in social media is to help raise more awareness about ME (and other invisible illnesses) by word of mouth. However, there is another way you can get more entries for yourself.
Any purchases on ANY of the items I sell from today, May 4th, through midnight, PST, May 27th will count as entries! This means that EACH INDIVIDUAL ITEM that you buy counts as its own entry. If you buy five t-shirts from my Red Bubble shop, that’s five extra entries for you!
And on top of the purchases going toward extra entries for you, 25 PERCENT of ALL PROFITS on ALL ITEMS purchased will be donated to theMicrobe Discovery Project! The Microbe Discovery project is a wonderful organization here in the US actively looking for a cause and cure for ME. I strongly believe in what they do, which is why I have chosen them to benefit from my sales.
It’s a very win-win situation! You get to buy whatever it is that you’ve had your eye on, you get extra entries into the print giveaway and ME research is supported at the same time!
On May 29th, I will randomly pick one winner from all the entries and that person will receive the print! It will be signed and numbered and shipped to wherever you live, even if it’s the other side of the world! 🙂
One last note about purchases, if you make a purchase, please leave a comment here on the blog and tell me what you purchased and where it was from. Some of the sites I sell through hide the buyer’s info from me, so I won’t always be able to tell who bought what. I want to make sure your purchases are properly accounted for!
Prices are the same regardless of where you buy, so there’s no need to worry about having “hiked-up gallery prices” 🙂 My Etsy shop also has a few pieces of “wearable art,” some of which is inspired by DreamWorld characters and some of which was inspired by The Last Unicorn! There’s also a whole section of ME-inspired images from my Enchanted Sleep series!
Through my Red Bubble shop I sell all of the following items with my images on them:
Aly took and sent me this lovely shot of her carrying her tote bag! It was a bit strange at first to see my friend carrying a bag with my face in it 😉 We we both quite thrilled with the quality and according to Aly, it’s been getting tons of compliments and the straps are the perfect length!
INTROSPECTIVE is much more about self-discovery than it is about knowing what f-stops are or having fancy equipment. You don’t even have to have an actual camera; your phone will do perfectly well! The course emphasizes self portraits as a way to get to know yourself better, but the definition of “self portrait” here is quite loose. You never have to appear in an image unless you really want to. What I mean by “self portrait” in this case is simply any photograph which shows me something about who you are as a person!
This is a very relaxed, reflective class. There are no grades and no wrong answers! For eight weeks, you will receive a new theme each week and your assignment will be to create an image around that theme which reflects you. Love, joy and fears, for example, are all things you would be asked to create around.
This class is very unique! I modeled it after my own journey of self-discovery as I started taking self portraits. The art therapy was so helpful and healing to me that I wanted to give that back to the world in some way, so I createdINTROSPECTIVE!
And as an extra bonus, here’s a special coupon code for INTROSPECTIVE! Use the code May12ME25 to take 25 percent off the cost of the course! Now that’s a win-win-win!!
I know you guys hear me talk about ME quite a lot, but here’s the thing. It matters. It really, really fucking matters.
There is so much confusion, misunderstanding and so many flat-out lies about ME that we all need to work extra hard to shine the light of truth on it. It’s not all the public’s fault; after all, they’ve been lied to by medical professionals for decades. It all came unraveling in the 80’s when ME’s name was intentionally changed to “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” and given the belittling nicknames of “the yuppie flu,” “the disease of depressed, menopausal women” and, more recently, “fat, lazy housewife disease,” just so insurance companies could deny patients coverage.
ME does not discriminate. It does not target people by color ,gender, social status or age. It attacks anyone and everyone it can. It destroys lives. It brings promising careers to grinding halts. It is not a way to “get a free ride;” we struggle just to sit up and get out of bed.
It could be your sister. It could be your boyfriend or girlfriend.
It could you.
How many more lives have to be sacrificed on the alter of insurance companies’ desires to not pay out before we get change? How many more patients have to take their own lives in despair? How many more seriously ill patients have to endure the most hateful slurs you can imagine being thrown at them? How many doctors will sigh, roll their eyes and tell us there’s nothing wrong with us psychically, that our problems are all in our heads?
No more.
We cannot let this happen to one more person. Too many have endured this already.
We have the power to make radical changes. We have the power to change society’s view of us, to force the government to give us proper funding, to stop treating us like Cinderella instead of their own daughters. We have the power to unlock the mystery of ME and find a cure. We CAN do this. But we must come together, make our voices heard and DEMAND it. It will never be easily handed to us. Too many huge companies are invested in not spending any money on those with ME. But while history shows us many ugly truths, it also shows us that we, the common people, have great power in our hands to bring about the changes we want.
We just have to ask for it loudly enough.
Please join me in demanding change for patients with ME. Things cannot continue the way they are any longer.
And as you help me advocate for invaluable change in the world, you’ll also be giving yourself a chance to win a gorgeous, fine art print 🙂 Help me with this. And thank you.
[*Because the United States does not officially recognize the name “myalgic encephalomyelitis,” despite decades of public outcry for change and hundreds of thousands signing petitions, they continue to stick to “Chronic Fatigue Syndrome” or “fibromyalgia.” Depending on which doctor of mine you talk to, I may have three different diagnoses. The US is especially complicated in how it defines – or, rather, it’s lack of definition – the differences between the three so it’s impossible to talk about one in the US without talking about all of them. For the record, they are NOT all the same disease, but that is essentially how the US treats them. I know that what I have is ME and not the other two, but many of my doctors had not have heard of ME until I told them about it. ME has scientific, diagnosable guidelines, which I fit, but the country still refuses to adopt the name and its excellent guidelines. If you’re interested in learning more about why this is, here’s an article for you, but for this post, I will leave the subject there.]
Originally, I’d intended on posting this around Black Friday/Cyber Monday but I was prevented by forces outside my control. The week of Thanksgiving, Los Angeles was oppressed relentlessly by Santa Ana winds which are always a challenge to my body, but especially so this time.
With my recent sinus surgery (which I still need to tell you about!) I was already at less than my usual lower-than-average health and my sinuses just about lost the will to live once the winds started. This meant almost a week of migraines every day, but even after the worst of it had passed, I was terribly behind on everything I hadn’t been doing while I was laying in the dark with an ice pack on my head. Things fell behind.
This really has no connection to either Black Friday or Cyber Monday now but a large percentage of my sales happen around the holidays, so I hope you’ll indulge this post anyway 🙂
I have a perfect gift idea for anyone in your life (or perhaps you!) who is a bit artsy or introverted or just wants to develop their self-awareness. INTROSPECTIVE: A Photographic Quest is a truly unique experience unlike anything else I’ve found. I created this online workshop after searching for something like it, and not finding anything that resonated with me. In the eight-week course, you will use your camera to explore your inner self, receiving a new assignment each week challenging you to delve into your secrets, fears and joys.
A Student’s Image
No photography experience is needed (although links to more technical information are provided for anyone who wants to learn more about it). This is not a class about photography, it’s about you taking you exploring your inner self, making new discoveries and using art to document what you find. It’s also an extremely therapeutic experience; I based the structure of the class on the healing I found in photography and self portraiture.
A Student’s Image
In a sense, you could say it’s a course about self portraiture since everything you create will be imbued with who you are, but there are no requirements to put yourself within the image, or even have any people in your images. If you find that, say, tea leaves on a saucer express what you’re feeling, that’s just as valid as any other way of expressing yourself!
You will learn about yourself over these eight weeks and make wonderful discoveries. The best, and most long-lasting, of these may just be discovering the profound healing power in art. This is an eight-week adventure full of fun and joy in a safe, love-filled environment. If you want to share your images with the world, you’re more than welcome to, but there’s no requirement to do so. INTROSPECTIVE is about you, through and through.
A Student’s Image
With the new year and its resolutions quickly approaching us, I can’t think of a better gift to start the year off with! Whether you take the class yourself or give it as a gift to someone, I can guarantee that not only will it be completely different than every other gift you or they will receive, but that it will do wonders for the soul of every participant.
To jump-start this for the holiday season, I’ve created a special promotion to receive $25 off INTROSPECTIVE! That’s 30% off! Just enter code INTROXMAS2014 when you check out, whether you’re buying for yourself or someone else 🙂
A Student’s Image
I’d like to point out that INTROSPECTIVE has not been hosted on Udemy for its whole existence; in the beginning, I hosted it on my site. While Udemy shows that very few people have taken the course, the number is actually higher. And somehow some of the reviews have gotten erased as well. Sigh. Luckily, I have another one I can share with you from student Aly, two of whose photos are right above and below!
“I have taken part in Sarah’s Introspective course twice, not because I missed anything the first time, but because her course offers the unique quality of fresh opportunity for introspection and growth, with each round. Much like a “Choose your own Adventure” book (but with far more substance, of course), the beginning, journey and end of thePhotographic Quest are what you make it, with Sarah’s guiding topics, suggestions, questions and technical encouragement, to keep the journey on track. Through her course, I created several self portraits which spoke from my heart, of which I am very proud and thankful to have been guided toward. I absolutely recommend Introspective: A Photographic Quest, for anyone interested in exploring themselves through self portraiture. I’ve come from this course with much more confidence in my ability to realize self portraits, from concept to fruition, and of course, a closer understanding of myself, through this Introspective journey.“
A Student’s Image
Thank you, Aly! Her review sums up what I want the class to be for everyone; something you can return to again and again, adjusting it for yourself each time. And you can retake it at any time; the lesson outlines are downloadable, so you can go through the journey as many times as you want for the one price of admission!
A Student’s Image
With all that said, think about INTROSPECTIVE as a gift for yourself or a loved one. It will certainly be a completely unique gift, unlike anything else they might receive! And with the benefit of being able to repeat it at any point, it just keeps giving 🙂 On top of that, use code INTROXMAS2014 when you check out to get an entire 30% off! I hope you’ll take the journey and go on an adventure!
A Student’s Image
I’d love to hear your thoughts about it, both as you’re on your quest and after. And if you upload your images to the Flickr group for INTROSPECTIVE, they just might get featured here!
Be bold! Go on a quest and return a deeper person 🙂
It’s been a very crazy couple of weeks since my last post! My sinus surgery is over, including an odd complication I had which caused an artery near the back of my sinuses to burst unexpectedly. This led to me losing 2-3 pints of blood and having to have an emergency surgery last Tuesday to correct it. I’m happy to say I seem to be all done bleeding and nothing else strange has happened since then! I’ll tell you more about my adventure in another post; it’s a rather long story. I’ve regained most of my strength but I’m still recovering a bit. So let me tell you about today’s self portrait for now!
This image has been in my mind for a long time, ever since I this post. I had discovered, in the course of looking through my blog’s stats, that someone had found my blog by searching “I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and I want to give up.” My heart still breaks for this person. I wrote a post at the time replying to them but I’ll probably never know if they saw it or what happened to them.
I’d wanted to create an image for my Enchanted Sleep series based on the idea of being beaten down by chronic illness yet getting up, but it took a while. My first attempt was unsuccessful and I had to think for quite a while about what wasn’t working and then find time to reshoot it. Eventually though, I had created the image I wanted to make.
While I had physical, chronic illness in mind when I was creating this, the image is certainly not limited to being interpreted just in that light. Mental illness, for example, is another example of something you have to rise from again and again. And it happens that I’m in a bout of depression myself right now. The reasons are long and complicated so I won’t get into them now, but every day recently, I’ve felt like this just trying to get out of bed… never mind how I might feel physically.
Chronic illness, mental illness… they are not something you can beat in a day. You’ll have good days and bad days. You may have entire days, or even weeks or months where you don’t struggle with whatever it is that knocks you down. But when it comes, you have to get back up.
Every time.
Every time.
Every time.
It can be exhausting, and you might not have anyone in your life who knows that you’re even battling like this. Those who have a strong support system in place are fortunate; it helps, a lot. But whether it’s something others know about or not, it’s a demon which must be faced and conquered every time it arises.
I hope that everyone reading this has their own support system to keep them going. Friends and family, online or off, who can cheer them on. Who can give them the push or pull they need. We all need help from each other; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking for or receiving help.
Asking for help can seem more daunting than fighting the beast holding you down. But do it. No matter who is reading this, you have people in your life who love you, who care about you, who want you to succeed, who will extend the hand you need to get you through this.
Whether it’s an internal struggle no one else will ever see or you have countless loving people help guide you through your troubles, we must rise every time we get knocked down.
If you need help and you don’t feel comfortable approaching anyone you know, you can always talk to The Samaritans. You can call them, email them or even text them. They have people around 24/7 to help you through whatever you’re facing and it’s completely confidential. They are well trained and caring. Give them a try if you’re in need of someone to talk to! I can personally vouch for how much they help.
You guys have met Erick Riedell through some of my photos already.
In The Eyes Of The Hungry
And I’ve recounted some of his health battles with you guys too. He’s been fighting cancer on and off (though it seems more on than off) for over six years; a little longer than the entire time I’ve been with Geoff. Geoff and Erick have been good friends since highschool, a friendship I’m impressed they maintained even though they live in different parts of the country. They kept it up through different romantic relationships, different places they lived, health problems, marriages, children… they’re still there for each other. Their friendship is inspiring.
This year has been especially difficult for Erick, his wife and their two young sons. It’s been almost non-stop health problem after problem; surgeries, hospital stays, being sent to specialists in other states… it just hardly seemed to stop. And it’s bad again.
Erick has only one functioning kidney and it’s failing. So he’s back in the hospital, tests are being run and solutions are being searched for. Why the kidney is failing isn’t entirely known yet, but it could be caused by another tumor. That’s the last thing you want to hear about anybody, but especially as someone with Erick’s history of fighting these deadly growths.
The Yellow Knight
I’d like to share something with you that Geoff wrote about Erick. He has such a way with words, he really captures Erick’s personality in a way that will translate even to those who have never met him. So please, let me introduce you to Erick, by way of Geoff’s words:
I’ve never put much stock in karma.
If there was such a thing, the roads would have a lot less traffic and there would be no reality television.
But, as I see what my friend Erick and his family are going through, it’s clear karma is a myth…if not an outright joke.
I have known nobody more straight-edge than Erick. No drinking. No smoking. There has been an occasional overindulgence in fried food and cheese…especially in the days before he got married. But, how cancer finds its way into a clean-living scenario like that is beyond me.
He is, quite simply, the friendliest, most good-hearted, good-natured person I’ve ever known. We don’t go anywhere where somebody doesn’t know him. And if by some odd chance we do, by the time we leave, he’s made new friends. He is effortless in that way. Always has been. It’s a trait my grandfather had, too…a genuine ability to connect with others. It’s a trait I’d be happy to have inherited from either one of them.
But my curmudgeon gene is too strong.
I’ve never ridden with him in Los Angeles freeway traffic, but I’ll bet he wouldn’t scream obscenities the way I do. He’s even-keeled, easy-going and relentlessly upbeat that way. I’d invent new swear words in a traffic jam. He’d lead a conga line between the cars.
That’s just who he is.
He’s Murray the K.
Look it up…that’s what Wikipedia is for.
He just has “it,” you know? “It.” That “it” that certain people have. Charisma. Like a gravitational force. It makes him the center of the room. And the calm eye in the hurricane. You can’t learn it. You’re just born with it. Like the Force. And it runs strong in this Jedi called Erick.
So yes, I downplay the existence of karma, but I totally buy into the Force. Because I’m a child of the 70s.
If this sounds like a eulogy, blame the context of the day. Because it’s not. This isn’t over. Because the other thing about Erick is he has more fight and determination in him than I’ve ever seen in anybody. A hell of a lot more than I do. But far too often, we don’t say the things we should when we should. And knowing how we all feel about him at a time like this can’t hurt anything. Because, though he has always seemed bulletproof to me…everybody can use a little encouragement.
So, I urge everyone reading this to do exactly what he asked this morning. Share a story. Share your feelings. Pile it on. Let him know the world is a better place because he is in it.
Because it is.
Ribbon Armor
It most certainly is.
You guys may not have ever met Erick, but take my word that he is one of the most wonderful people you could ever meet. A true hero who has had to fight for his life too many times to count. And right now, he needs help. Help from those he knows, but even from those he has never met. I would ask you to please do two things.
One: Reply to this post leaving messages of love and encouragement for Erick which I will pass on to him. He needs all the love and encouragement we can give him. Let’s show him the overwhelming love the world has for him, even from people he hasn’t met!
Two: If you can, please donate to his health care fun through GoFundMe. I know, money is tight for everyone right now. But even a $5 donation would help! It doesn’t have to be much. As you can imagine, being in the hospital and fighting cancer are extremely expensive. Every little bit we can give will help him and his family so much.
Help Erick Riedell Fight Cancer
If you can only do one or the other, that’s ok! If you can do both, great!
There is so little we can do that feels constructive. I can’t enter his body and rid it of any cancer cells I find. But we can send him messages of love and show our support with a few dollars.
Lastly, please keep Erick in your prayers, if you are the praying type, your thoughts, send him good energy, light a candle in his name, however it works for you. I deeply thank you for anything that you can do for him, and I know he and his family do too! The world has so few truly spectacular people in it; we cannot afford to lose one more. Thank you all so much for your help!!
This will be a short post. I wanted to share with you all a short video I made for the Microbe Discovery Project, a group using crowd-sourced funding to research myalgic encephalomyelitis, otherwise known as ME. They asked for people to share their stories of ME with them by video or text, so I did just that. I always wish I could help them in more concrete ways by giving them millions of dollars, but I’ll help with what I can; being open and honest about my experience with ME and making more people aware that they exist and could use some help.
Mythic Pictures 