**Before I get into the meat of this post, I am happy to announce that I will soon start holding mythic photography workshops! We’ll go over techniques for drawing the magical and awe-inspiring out of the ordinary. Email me at sarah@sarahallegra.com if you’re interested and I’ll keep you up to date!**
Closeups of both finished photos.
Oh my… this is one of those posts where I have so much to say I can hardly figure out where to start!
I think pretty much everyone reading this will already be familiar with my DreamWorld series, right? The series portraying the characters and landscape of the world we visit in our sleep? I have become quite obsessed with it, even though the photos usually demand so much more preparation and work than other photos do. There is something incredibly therapeutic and wonderful about imagining an entire world and breathing life into it one photo at a time.
The very first character I imagined for DreamWorld was its queen (who we will meet in the future) and eventually I thought that if there is a queen, there probably should be a King too. And while I imagine that the queen is really the one in charge, the King is the ultimate father figure. Warm, approachable, unfailingly kind and wise, but still powerful and majestic. It’s a lot to ask of one person, and I mulled over who could play him for a long time.
While I contemplated that, I thought about what the King’s costume should be like. I wanted it to be book-inspired, both literally and metaphorically. Carl Jung’s and Joseph Campbell’s writings have had such a big influence on my life, and on this series in particular, I wanted the King to be an homage to them and their works. So books, paper and writing would be the main themes of the costume… and as usual, I had no idea how I was going to pull it together.
While all that was happening in my head, I learned that Peter S. Beagle would be in town as part of his world-wide “The Last Unicorn” movie screenings tour (which I HIGHLY recommend!). I suddenly pictured Peter as the King, and once I’d done that, I couldn’t imagine anyone else doing it. He was absolutely perfect. He is the King. Every single time I’ve met him, he has exuded such warmth, wisdom and kindness that I wished I could adopt him as an uncle. And given my recent partnership with his publisher, Conlan Press, I thought it would be the mutually beneficial to everyone. I’m very happy that Connor, Peter’s publisher and manager, agreed and was able to loan me Peter for a few hours while they were in Los Angeles.
So, casting was settled, but that left me only about three weeks to build every prop and costume I’d be using. Which was not nearly enough time. I’d begun working on the King’s magic book before I even got a yes and had already spent over 30 hours just building it. It was going to be an ugly three weeks, but very, very worth it, so I launched into creation mode.
You really have to see the book in person to understand why it took so long to make. At this stage, it’s just many, many subtle layers of paint.
Peter would be wearing long robes that would transition into paper scrolls at his feet, along with a crown made from folded paper. His collar and cuffs were lace made from tissue paper, with crinkled paper accents. A buckle portraying a tree of life would hold the robes closed, and the part I was perhaps most excited about was the collar of paper birds taking flight. That was the end goal… how I’d get there, let alone in three weeks, I had no idea. But I started with what I knew, making the tunic under his robe, and the fabric part of the robe itself.
Initial sketches
The tunic and robe themselves were pretty easy, standard pieces of DreamWorld wear, so they came together quickly. The robe was made mostly from cotton muslin, since it’s inexpensive and takes tea-dying well (which I suspected would be in its future). The yoke was made from the most beautiful metallic gold jacquard-type fabric (I purchased it as a remnant, so I’m not sure exactly what it is, other than gorgeous). The first introduction of paper into the robe came by using long sheets of corrugated cardboard in the place of pin-tucked fabric. I broke a needle on my sewing machine trying to get it on before finally locating my super-heavy-duty-heavier-than-duck-and-denim-together needle, which held up.
The robe with cardboard “pin-tucking.”
I’ve never felt especially adept at sculpting, but I knew I was going to have to do at least some for the King, so I got some silicone clay which could be baked in an oven and a couple molds. One mold featured different female faces on it, while another had branches, leaves and birds. Leaves I though I could probably get away with on my own, but with the time I had, I didn’t want to have to try messing with making a beautiful face on my own. Plus, the molds were on a 40% off sale, so I took it as a sign. Most of the sculpting ended up on the cover of the book, which became quite symbolic all on its own, incorporating elements of Joseph Campbell, Peter Beagle and myself.
Beginning to sculpt. You can see the shell of the unpainted book in the upper left-hand corner too.
The King’s costume incorporated keys and locks in numerous places, a metaphor for how Peter and Joseph Campbell’s writing had unlocked so much wisdom for me. Around the large keyhole (obtained from a wonderful architectural salvage yard) I sculpted two pieces which could look like either paths or (bull’s) horns, nods to “The Last Unicorn” and the hero’s journey. I made my own little cloven-hoof stamp by carving the end of an eraser and covered the “paths” with a smattering of hoof prints. Between the paths/horns was a woman’s face with long white hair and a horn coming out of her forehead; an obvious reference to “The Last Unicorn,” but also to my own own identification with the story.
For added symbolism and a little more depth, I also crafted two small anatomical hearts, alluding to the “Two Hearts” story Peter wrote as a novella sequel to”The Last Unicorn.” Though you could never accuse “The Last Unicorn” of being shallow, “Two Hearts” adds such richness and depth to it that I feel it’s really just a continuation of the same story and not two separate ones.
Stamp, hearts, unicorn girl and hoof prints.
After the sculpting and baking came many coats of paint.
Painted pieces, along with a key I ended up not using for this photo (but which will be used eventually).
The keyhole and clay pieces were glued to the book cover and that prop, at least, was done!
At some point during the three weeks I was making all this, I pictured Peter with two ladies in waiting. At first, I dismissed the idea since I already had more than enough work to do, but, to my annoyance, once I pictured it that way, I knew it would be lacking without them. Damn. I sighed and added two more costumes to my to-do list while I emailed frequent models Dedeker, Aly and Katie to see if they were available. Unfortunately, Aly’s work schedule prevented her from joining us, but I was glad to have Katie and Dedeker along!
Turning my attention back to Peter’s robes, I used more of the corrugated cardboard t make wide cuffs. I’d found some beautifully-dyed, crinkly paper, a little thicker than tissue paper, but not by much. I had some in orange and some in purple, and I used the purple paper to edge the cuffs. The inside of the cuffs was lined with an untold amount of tissue paper, cut to various widths and run through a paper punch on one side to create a look like lace. I alternated white tissue paper with some beautiful, metallic silver tissue paper. The white tissue paper went through the punch well, but the silver paper would utterly clog the punch up after 3-4 presses, no matter how few or how many pieces I put through at a time. I even tried running it through at the same time as some nice, heavy cardstock, but the paper press just laughed at my attempts and clogged again. In the end, I used less of the silver paper than I had planned, but was left with more of my sanity intact, so I thought it was a fair trade.
Tissue papers, purple crinkle paper and the cuffs coming together.
I used the orange crinkle paper to make a lapel and more of it was used as a belt. I’d wanted to give the robes a feeling of embroidery, so I used some metallic gold paint to create swirling, organic, art nouveau-like designs on the pin-tucking.
Speaking of the belt, I wanted to have another Campbell reference, so I decided to use one of the most commonly recognized mythology symbols, the tree of life, on the buckle, quite literally bringing everything together. The backing was made out of clay and painted with several layers of gold, green and bronze paints. Some pretty green rafia made up the tree itself. The untwisted ends made very convincing leaves, and the twisted ends made wonderful roots. In the middle was another keyhole, continuing the motif.
Tree of life buckle above the paper belt.
Around this time, I started wondering how I would turn the robe ends into paper scrolls. I spent several nights not sleeping while I contemplated it, and eventually came up with the following. I sewed six long panels of muslin, each about two feet wide, and of varying lengths. The sides were sewn with wire in them, and I covered both sides of the panels with torn-up paper mache. The paper mache was made from countless pieces of tissue paper I had tea-dyed from a barely noticeable off-white to a dark cream. I used the lightest pieces at the top and let it gradually darken toward the bottom. I washed the panels with layers of thinned-out white glue (many, MANY thanks to my wonderful neighbor Donna for giving me a huge vat of glue!) until they were suitably stiff. Applying paper, painting and letting them dry between took the better part of a week. By the time they were done, it was nearly time to shoot and I didn’t know what I’d do if they didn’t work. I breathlessly tried rolling one of them up… and it stayed. It looked like paper! It looked like a scroll! I was so relieved!
I attached the panels to the end of the robe with some heavy-duty safety pins and hot glue, then added another layer of tea-dyed tissue paper, creating a gradual transition from a little below the belt of the robe with just a touch of paper, all the way to the bottom of the scrolls where it was thick paper.
I’d had a very clear vision of how I wanted the King’s crown to look, formed primarily from folded paper, dotted with keys and old quill nibs, which I found a whole bunch of on Ebay! While it wasn’t really hard to make, it did take a lot of trial and error. I am not much for origami, so I ended up just cutting out different shapes and experimenting with what produced the best results. I used a cream-colored cardstock for this, quite a relief to work with after the filmy, fragile tissue paper.
Trying out different objects as stencils.
The crown ended up being my favorite part of the whole costume. Geoff kindly took some BTS photos of me working on it. The medallion in the middle of it was something I found in the jewelry-making section of the craft store, and it added the perfect finishing touch with the purple gem in the middle of it.
Making the crown.
Around this time I realized I also needed to make a staff for the King. I had actually found such a good stick while I was hiking one day that I brought it home, not even having a plan for it, just knowing it would be good for something, eventually. I spray painted the stick bronze and gold, and used several thin washes of acrylic paint in green and gold tones on a glass Christmas tree ornament (which I have a large stock of for a future project). A very, very thin spritz with some dazzlingly-silver spray paint finished off the ornament, which I flipped upside down and anchored to the stick with a big old blob of hot glue. I had wanted to incorporate some more flowers into the costume anyway, and having a cluster of them under the ornament hid the transition beautifully. A key under the ornament and flowers finished it off!
Things get a little blurry as I think back on the days right before the shoot, and I honestly don’t remember the exact order of events anymore. But in the last couple days, I sewed some easy, empire-waisted gray chiffon dresses for the girls, with long, matching chiffon sashes. The dresses were decorated at the bustline with a fan-shaped piece of folded cardstock, tissue paper lace and flowers.
The big project for the girls, which bled over into the last of the King’s costume, were the paper birds. Those damn, damn paper birds. I printed untold sheets of cream and white cardstock with chains of birds (which I’d laid together in Photoshop) which then had to be cut out by hand, one by one. I was so sick of seeing the pile of papers waiting to be cut out by the time I was done. Days and days of cutting out birds. So, so many birds of different sizes, shapes, angles and colors.
Sheets of cardstock with birds cut out, a pile of cut birds, the king’s collar being assembled.
Obviously, many of the birds went to making the King’s bird-and-lace collar, but the majority ended up going to the two maiden’s headdresses and arm pieces. I loved the symbolism of the birds; they were taking off from Peter’s throat (where words take flight as well), they landed and traveled down the girls’ heads, as they take the stories and information in, then they make their way down the girls’ arms to their hands as they put the lessons they have learned to work. Just remembering it all gives me a headache, but I really loved how it turned out, even though it was nearly midnight the night before the shoot when I glued the last string of birds together, was finally done and went to bed.
Calantha helped whenever she could.
The morning of the shoot came after not nearly enough sleep, and I knew it was going to be a very long, grueling day, but I was very excited! Donna and John, my neighbors, had very kindly allowed me to use their dining room to shoot in, which gave me more room to move around. I started hanging curtains and getting the set constructed while I groggily drank my tea. Everyone helped me get the set ready, which I was very grateful for; I couldn’t have done it all on my own! Then my lights decided they didn’t feel like working, and I had to troubleshoot that as it got closer and closer to the time of the shoot… it was quite stressful, but it all came together just in time!
Thank you, Dedeker, for these adorable furbaby pics 🙂 They are a friendly lot!
Connor pulled up and dropped off Peter and his assistant Cat, who was helping them with the tour, and then I had a most surreal moment when Peter Beagle, one of my two very favorite writers, author of “The Last Unicorn,” a story that has profoundly influenced my life, was standing in my living room. He was just as warm and wonderful as all the other times I’d spoken to him, and he showed excellent taste in admiring Calantha and asking what kind of dog she is.
I caught Connor snuggling Maynard and made him stand there until I got a photo of it.
Peter told me he’d been instructed by Connor to be regal and majestic, which I agreed with, but also highlighted the King’s warmth and kindness. Peter said, “So I should be regal and majestic, yet warm and approachable?” I said yes, and he just said, “Got it,” and then he was all that, all at once. I helped him get into his costume (with the help of Katie, Dedeker and Cat, it was really a several-person task). I shot a few different setups; since this was not going to be a chance I’d have again, I wanted to cover all my bases. And everything fit everyone, and it all worked and came together beautifully, and I knew that the last weeks had been more than worth it. Katie very thoughtfully took some behind-the-scenes photos once her part in the shoot was over, which I’m so happy to have!
Thanks, Katie! 🙂
Mei Mei photobomb
Dedeker and Katie being beautiful.
Cat took this one for us; thanks, Cat!
My imagination hero and me.
After the shoot was over, we all helped Peter out of his costume and then I got to just chat with him and Cat and the girls until Connor got back from the errands he’d been running in preparation for the screening that night. It was my first time meeting Cat; she was utterly delightful and I was honored to have them lounging in my living room. Again I was overcome with the surreality of the situation. Connor got back shortly, and we parted ways for the time being. We’d all meet up again that night for the screening in Newport Beach. The shoot was successfully checked on my list!
I have to say, though all my shoots are done on a budget, this was the most expensive one yet. A lot of the expenses were things like the paper punch and a self-healing cutting mat (for all the damn birds) that I’ll be able to use again. All in all, I think I spent between $100-$150; an amount that felt absolutely extravagant to me! The total time I spent on this is really incalculable. A couple hundred hours on pre-production, but I spent a good six weeks editing it… it’s easy to say that I spent hundreds and hundreds more on post-production. There were many times I was cursing myself and why couldn’t I just take nice, pretty photos that edit up in an afternoon (not to mention don’t require hundreds of paper birds) but even in those moments I knew it would be worth it… and it was. 🙂
Katie was giving me a ride into Hollywood on her way home, so Geoff and I could meet up and travel in one car, so she helped me dismantle the set. We got some lunch since we were ravenous after such an exciting morning and she left me with Geoff while she went home for a bit before also heading down to Newport Beach.
I was exhausted, but also completely wound up. I attempted a nap in Geoff’s office, but it was pretty pointless. It was going to be a long night though, so I thought I’d better try anyway. With anxiety over the shoot done, I could now concentrate on being anxious about that evening. Connor had specifically asked me to come to the Newport Beach showing and bring my portfolio with me so that he could introduce me to Peter’s fans as one of their new featured artists who will be working with them. Gulp.
Connor under the marquee.
Geoff and I (and Katie, in her own car) battled the traffic from Los Angeles to Newport Beach and made it just in the nick of time. I really wasn’t sure what “introducing” me meant, so I had lots of possible meanings to be worried about. I was heartened when I got to the theater and was greeted as long-lost friends by Connor and Cat (Peter was somewhere else) and then entered the theater to find a bunch of my family there, which I was not expecting! It was so sweet of them all to come out and support me.
There was a great Q&A session before the movie started. There were raffles, giveaways, and the mayor of Newport Beach showed up to present Peter with a plaque. It was really quite an event; I would heartily recommend it, of course to any fan, but just to anyone in general 🙂
The mayor giving Peter his plaque; thanks to my grandmother for taking this photo!
Just before the show started, Connor had some of the vendors who had come with their Unicorn wares stand up and pointed them out, and at the very end of all that, he had me stand up and introduced me to everyone, saying I’d be there after the show with my art. Whew. One hurdle down.
Then we all got to watch the movie itself in a theater, which no fans my age and younger have ever been able to do. It was pretty amazing. I cried, and not just because of what an emotional day I was having. Seriously, if you get the chance to see it, GO.
After the movie, Peter was around to sign books, take photos with people and talk to them like they’re actual human beings and not just cattle being herded through a chute. Cat and Connor set me up behind one of the tables where the wares were spread out, and I set out my portfolio and my cards. Geoff and Katie both really stepped up and stayed the entire night with me. It was so good having them both there with me since I’m so intensely uncomfortable a) in crowds, b) around strangers, and c) having attention drawn to me and people looking at me. Hopefully this is something I will get more used to. It was great having the two of them there to distract me and make me feel less alone.
Wearing Geoff’s jacket over my pretty dress – it got quite cold!
Peter was true to his word and stayed until every single fan who wanted to had a chance to say hello and have their book/DVD/whatever signed, then all the theater workers still there got their turn. I’d told my mom I would have him sign a book for her (“The Rhinoceros Who Quoted Nietzsche And Other Odd Acquaintances,” which contains “Professor Gottesman and the Indian Rhinoceros,” the favorite short story of my mom’s, mine, Cat’s and Peter’s) and Katie and I wanted our own photos with him to cap the day off right.
Getting mom’s book signed.
Katie, Peter and me!
And then it was all over! Months of mental planning, weeks of physical planning, all the crunching and sleepless nights and hard work… it was done. I was relieved and disappointed, and also knew that it was going to be one of the highlights of my entire career, no matter what else happens.
We didn’t leave Newport Beach until 1:30am, and it was closer to 3 by the time I got home and went to bed. Luckily I was so exhausted it overcame my nerves and I didn’t have too much trouble getting to sleep. I knew the next day was going to be ugly, and it was. You can’t throw that much work and lack of sleep at ME. Not to mention the very long, emotional day it had been and how late I’d been up. ME doesn’t let you get away with that kind of shit. I planned on feeling pretty terrible, and I did. But it was underscored by a feeling of deep satisfaction, and even more, an overwhelming sense of gratitude for everything that had happened. I was a bit emotionally fragile by then, and I burst into tears more than once that day, just out of sheer joy and thankfulness.
I am so grateful that I get to partner with Conlan and Peter. I am so thankful they not only agreed to let me do my photo, but were enthusiastic about it. I am blown away by what amazing people everyone at Conlan, my friends, models, family and husband are. They have all been so immensely supportive of me and my art and my journey…especially Geoff as I ignored him night after night in my struggle to complete everything. I am very lucky to have wonderful neighbors who will let me conduct an entire photo shoot in their home at the drop of a hat, Everyone who reads this, who emails me, who comments on photos, who encourages me to create, thank you all.
But most of all, thank you to Peter. Not just for creating the measuring stick by which all other fantasy will always be compared. Not only for ripping our hearts out with his words, and returning them back to us more whole and healed. And not just for being willing to play the King, but for being the King. Peter simply is all those qualities that make me love the King so much. And I got to capture it forever in two photos in my favorite, most meaningful series. That is unbelievably wonderful to me. Thank you for all of it.
And with that, I present to you the DreamWorld King. Detail shots are below each main image. Click on them to see them larger!
Beloved Of The Crown
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Beloved Of The Crown – detail
Aerie
Aerie – detail
Aerie – detail
Aerie – detail
Aerie – detail
A very quick, thankful, somewhat tear-stained selfie the day after the shoot, wearing my beautiful horn from Firefly Path, which is going to be my every day wear now. Click here to visit their Facebook page to get your own horn!
Thank you to every single person who helped make this day happen. I will never forget it. 🙂
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Mythic Pictures 
Creating Rapeseed’s Harvest
Posted in Uncategorized, tagged adobe, adult depression., afterlife, Alchemist pallet, alternative, anti depressant, anxiety, art, art series, art therapy, artist, beautiful, BH cosmetics, birds, bleak, blue, cathartic, CFS, childhood depression, clinical, cloud atlas, colorful, conceptual, contour, crows, crying, curl, D810, depression, Deviant Cosmetics, disease, disorder, dreamworld, dreamy, editorial, emotional, escort, ethereal, Etneral Storms, fibro, fibromyalgia, fine art, firefly path, forest, Ghost Violet, girl, glitter, glitter tears, glow, gray, grey, hair, harvest, health, heaven, high key, home, hopeless, horn, human guinea pig, illness, jumbo pencil, Kat Von D, kirsty mitchell, LA, lavender, legend, lilac, los angeles, magic, makeup, makeup artist, ME, ME/CFS, medication, meditation, mental illness, mental state, metaphor, milk, mineral makeup, MUA, myalgic encephalomyeltis, native american, nikon, Nyx, personal, photo series, photographer, photography, photoshop, pink, powerful, purple, rape, rapeseed, self portrait, silver, social commentary, soul, spoonie, stigma, story, suicidal, suicide, taupe eyeshadow, tears, teenage depression, therapy, trees, unicorn, unicorn girl, victim blaming, violet, weeping, white, wig on March 20, 2017| Leave a Comment »
This was one of those self portraits that I just HAD to shoot RIGHT THEN or I was going to explode. It’s actually been a pretty rough couple of months; I’m fighting my way out of another bout of depression that came on for seemingly no reason. This does happen periodically, so I tried to just give it time and let it pass, it always will eventually… but it’s been clinging like it hasn’t in a long, long time.
As depression progresses, it gets worse, not just additionally, but exponentially. You can very quickly move from, “Ok, I don’t like this, but I’ll get through it soon,” to “Oh my god, this is going to be the rest of my life, I will never feel joy again ever; what’s even the point of living??” in shockingly short time.
For me, one of the best tools I have against depression and slowly losing my will to live is creating art, especially art that expresses how I’m feeling at the time. It’s incredibly cathartic. Working on this self portrait has been a huge help in keeping me sane lately, but the pessimistic side of me wonders if I’ll just be left right where I was before I started it, once I’m totally finished creating it. I suppose that even if it does, I’ll at least still have a new image in my roster. It hasn’t helped my depression to know that it’s been so long since I released any new images (there are far too many reasons to get into right now, but it’s been incredibly difficult to find and make time for art lately).
I was thinking about what I would say to accompany this image, which (probably obviously, belongs to both my DreamWorld and Eternal Storms series) and pondering how to explain what long-term clinical depression feels like to those who haven’t experienced it. It’s not the same as just being sad or upset, it’s a stain on your soul which you can’t ever blot out. Out, out, damn spot. A stain which not only looks ugly, but spreads like a cancer and does you actual harm, emotionally, physically and mentally.
Depression, especially when it gets really bad, feels like your brain is beating and gang-raping your soul every day while the rest of the world goes about their business, either not noticing, or at best stopping to take cell phone videos of your torment, but offering no help. And much like the unjustified stigma and shame victims of abuse feel, people who have trouble with depression and who don’t feel excited about being alive are often subject to the same kinds of judgements. We must enjoy wallowing in our own emotional filth, or else we’d just get up, dust ourselves off and go be happy, right? Or, ok, maybe it’s really a chemical imbalance thing; so just take an anti-depressant and let’s all get on with our lives, all right? And she was wearing a short skirt, so she was asking for it.
I wish it worked like that; I wish it was that easy. I can’t recall how many medications I’ve tried, not to mention the far, far greater number of alternative healing treatments, supplements, and anything else I could think of. Some help more than others, but so far nothing has completely cured me.
For anyone wondering, no, I do not believe this bout of depression is really related to the ME. The ME has been about the same as it has been since my injections kicked in, so there haven’t been any recent changes on that front. It definitely doesn’t help anything, but I don’t believe it’s the cause.
Depression lays a gray film over your life. Everything appears bleak and hopeless. There’s no point to trying, no point to doing anything. And there’s also the honest, nothing-to-do-with-depression frustration of having to be your own guinea pig as you try different treatments, often with horrible, horrible side effects, which may or may not stop after you discontinue the medication. It’s been recommended that I add a psychiatrist to my team of doctors (I have a wonderful therapist, but she’s a psychologist, so she can’t prescribe medication) which I’m not looking forward to. My depressive mind doesn’t want to go through the bother of more appointments, more co-pays, more explaining my symptoms and feeling judged, more trying new medications will probably make everything worse before it even might get better. My rational mind says I should try it anyway, but I’m not looking forward to it.
So, back to talking about this image. I chose the title even knowing it might ruffle some feathers, because I honestly don’t feel like there’s a better way to explain it to those who have been fortunate enough to never be so depressed that they feel they can’t go on another day. It is your mind raping your soul, verbally abusing you, telling you you’re worthless, a horrible person, undeserving of love or bothering another person by asking them for help. It’s a prison only you can see and feel; a prison you both hate and are afraid to leave, because it’s all you’ve known for so long. (My first memories of what was clearly depression are from my early teens, but I wonder if the terrible anxiety and nightmares I endured since I was a very young child were a precursor to this. The first time I gave serious thought to killing myself, I was 17.) A strange Stockholm-like syndrome can develop where you long to escape, but are afraid to. However, I hope it’s clear that I am in no way trying to take anything away from the trauma victims of the “regular” kind of rape suffer from. Though our hells overlap in some ways, they are not identical.
I liked the idea of using “rapeseed” in the title, not only because it catches the ear, but because I feel it works on a metaphoric level. Rapeseed is a plant which grows beautiful yellow flowers; it belongs to the mustard family from what I’ve read (and apparently the name has to do with the Latin word for root vegetables and nothing to with an act of violence). Kirsty Mitchel shot part of her Wonderland series in front of a breathtaking field of rapeseed flowers. It is also, apparently, what canola oil is made from (or at least used to be? I’m finding mixed info), around which there is some controversy if it’s truly safe for human and animal consumption. The word at once touches on horrible, horrible acts of violence and abuse, potential danger but still has immense beauty to offer the world.
In this image, I imagined a beautiful, unicorn-like creature, someone that would look completely pure and innocent, someone who looked like that would never have had a single bad day. And I just poured my emotions into the shoot, letting them all out. I’ve already said it was cathartic, but I can’t stress just how much it was. I felt lighter that day than I did in a long time. Even editing it was therapeutic. Some images seem to fight you the whole way, kicking and screaming, into what you want them to be; this one felt like it was actively working with me to help me achieve my goal. It’s one of the most gratifying feelings when art flows like that.
I have been studied makeup application a lot recently (mostly for upcoming images) and this was one of my first times being able to test just a little bit of my new knowledge out. That was fun, although tiring. But I’m pretty pleased with my first attempt at being a makeup artist! I had to search high and low for some cosmetic-grade silver glitter of the right size and color to make the glitter-tears; you really wouldn’t think it would have been so difficult, but it was! I eventually found some on either eBay or Etsy; I’ve bought some from both and now I don’t remember where this particular one came from. I already had the silver wig, so I just grayed up my eyebrows to match it better. I used Nyx’s Jumbo Pencil in Milk for the entire eye/cheekbone area along with a nice matte white eyeshadow from BH Cosmetics pallet, along with two shades of lavender and a darker purple in my crease and as blush. I contoured with another Nyx product, an eyeshadow in Taupe which is perfect for my pale skin (even paler here, so I used a very light hand). I highlighted cheekbones, lids and inner corners with Deviant Cosmetics Ghost Violet, which is just about my new favorite thing ever. It has the most gorgeous flash of purple when the light hits it, and Deviant Cosmetics has four or five colors in their Ghost line; I recommend them all! (If you’ve been eyeing the Kat Von D Alchemist Palette but don’t have the money, go see Deviant Cosmetics. Their colors are brighter, more vivid, they carry one more color than comes in KVD’s pallet, and it’s WAY less expensive! And since it’s mineral makeup, there are no weird or harmful ingredients to worry about.)
After I did my makeup and looked utterly insane in person, I set my camera up and a couple lights. I actually really hate setting up lights, so I always try and make it as minimal as possible. Luckily, this shot didn’t call for anything fancy, so I got away with only two. I taped some white, mesh fabric to the inside of my front door, and it gave me a lovely, neutral whiteish backdrop that wouldn’t distract from the main subject. I was nearly done shooting when I remembered I’d intended to wear my unicorn horn circlet from Firefly Path! I quickly shot a few more images with it on, tipping my head at different angels and planning on adding it on to the final image in post, which I did. (This is not the exact circlet that I have, my horn is silver and the crystals are lavender, but this seems to be the only one in her shop at the moment.)
Unicorns represent a lot of things to me, but innocence and purity are two big ones. If a human is sad, well, that’s… sad, but normal. If a unicorn is sad, it’s tragic. That there could be anything their magic couldn’t overcome underscores the power of whatever is causing them pain. To me at least, that emphasized the magnitude of the power depression can hold over you. The working title for this image as I tinkered on it was Sad Unicorn, because that was all I could think of when I needed to save the file for the first time. It still feels appropriate in a way.
I added the trees and birds on the background, as if perhaps the unicorn girl is longing for her forest home. I specifically chose to add crows, both because they’re one of my favorite birds (did you know they actually make and use tools and are incredibly smart?) and because Native American legends say they escort one’s soul into the afterlife. That felt very fitting giving the subject of the image. She seems like she’s in an alien land, somewhere she doesn’t truly belong, which is how I’ve felt about my time on earth just about every single day since I was born. I knew this was not my true home. My true home is where my soul resided before it decided, for whatever insane reason, to incarnate into this life. In a meditation, months ago now, I actually visited what I consider to be my true home and I sobbed and sobbed, because I was so glad to be back, even for a moment, and also because I knew I couldn’t stay. That place, that timeless, unchanging Home, is where this ethereal creature belongs too.
Now that I’ve gone on for probably far too long, I’ll finally show you the image. I felt it was very important to explain my reason for the title I gave it to give people a way in to understand it. And for anyone concerned about me, thank you, but I’ll be ok. I’ve been through worse. And I didn’t even have photography back then. I have an excellent support system, which I didn’t have nearly as much of before, including my really incredible therapist. All that said, let’s get on to the first image I’m releasing this year!
Lastly, I don’t enjoy talking about my mental health (or lack thereof) to strangers on the internet, no matter what impression this post gave you. I speak candidly and openly about it because we NEED to end the stigma around it. And the only way for that to happen is for those of us who struggle with it to speak about our experiences. A lot. In detail. Repeatedly. I do think things will change eventually, but it will take a lot of voices speaking honestly, blatantly, about it. My voice is only one drop in the ocean of voices, but to quote Cloud Atlas, what is the ocean but a multitude of drops?
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