Let me start by saying that I’m sorry I can’t give you more actual details about what’s going on, but I’ve been advised to continue to keep them under wraps. Those of you who follow me on social media have already heard that I’m going through a difficult time right now. What I can tell you is that I am about to do something on the 14th which is absolutely terrifying to me and has incredible, life-altering implications. For me, Geoff and the fur-kids. And while I have lots of people (like all you dear, lovely folks reading this) who are loving and supporting me, it’s all going to come down to the words I speak and actions I take on the 14th. I will be alone at the critical moment; the pressure feels crushing.
I feel like Louis Zamperini in the POW camp holding his wooden beam. I feel like Aerin facing the giant dragon Mar. I feel like the unicorn standing up to the Red Bull. I feel like one of Leonidas’ 300. Frodo off to Mordor. Rosie and Pernicia. Lissar and her father. You get the idea.
One small, anxious girl going up against something far, far bigger than she is; ill-equipped for the job. The higher the pressure, the more my brain feels scattered and forgets important details. And it’s crucial that I remember everything, no notes allowed. The outcome of this will have a huge impact on my financial state, which is currently pitiful. I need this win.
To say this has been stressful would be a huge understatement. This sincerely feels like one of the single hardest, most frightening thing I have ever had to do. But there’s no getting around it, I HAVE to do it. And I will do my best.
The stress is causing giant waves of discord through my body, mind and soul; causing mayhem and destruction. For weeks now, every night, I either have stress dreams or I dream that I’m dying… the dying ones are the worst because, in my dream, it’s wonderful, beautiful, the most peaceful, joyful thing I’ve ever experienced. And then I wake up and remember real life and it feels like a glorious gift has been snatched from my hands while the weight of life crushes down upon me again.
Despite numerous antacids of all kinds, I’m having persistent heartburn, often in the middle of the night. My pain levels are all elevated. And as you can imagine, my sleep is suffering in quantity and quality.
I’m not writing about this to simply throw myself a pity party. I am asking for your support. If you pray, please pray for a quick and overwhelmingly successful outcome. If you do Reiki, please send as much as you can. If you light candles, please light one for me. Please send all the love, good thoughts and energy that you can spare, whatever your system of faith may or may not be. I will gladly take it all!
I am determined to win this battle. And while it traditionally takes a while to hear about the exact outcome from the fight, I am equally determined to get an overwhelmingly positive answer, right then and there. I am visualizing myself being victorious. As much as I am afraid, I am doing my best to catch myself when I start to go into a spiral of worry over what will happen if I fail. When I notice those thoughts, I actively change my vision of the future to one that I want. I don’t need to open myself up to attracting any negative energy!
One thing about all the metaphors I listed a few paragraphs ago; despite the odds, they all succeeded. Thinking about others who have overcome incredible trials is deeply comforting to me. If they could do it, I can do it too.
I can say one thing: this is not about a new turn in my health or anything else along those lines. My health is fairly crappy right now, as is usual, but I have not taken a turn for the worse… other than the spiked pain, non-stop migraines, constant tension in my whole body, wildly increased anxiety, panic attacks and depression as well as extreme exhaustion brought about by all of this. It’s stressful to the point where I don’t even want to edit or create many days, which is an almost unheard-of low for me. But these are clearly responses to the weeks and weeks of stress and worry. I don’t want you guys to worry that I’m hiding some terrible new diagnosis from you.
I know I will get through this. And I know that with Geoff, I will deal with the outcome, whatever it is. But more than that, I know I will win. I have to. Knowing that doesn’t take all my fear and anxiety away, but it does give me hope to cling to.
I feel incredibly fragile in every way, but I will battle and I will be victorious. Still, your prayers, well wishes and love would mean a great deal to me right now. I can use all the help I can get.
I promise that I will try and let you guys know exactly what’s happening just as soon as I can. I appreciate that you’re all being very understanding about that and respecting the fact that I simply can’t divulge much right now.
This self portrait felt especially appropriate for this post. It serves as a reminder and inspiration to me to keep fighting, to get up when I’m knocked down, and most of all, never give up. Thank you all so very, very much for all your support! I cannot thank you enough.
With that said, please wish me a miraculous victory as I go into this battle. Now, let me go find my suit of armor.